Alone in a Crowded Room

Have you ever had that experience where you see a skit or song or commercial and it just LINGERS with you? You love it. And maybe you can't even explain why exactly? A few months ago, there was an SNL skit with Adele where 4 friends in 2019 go to a fortune teller to see what their lives will be like in 2020. That's the lingerer for me; I laugh just thinking about it.  

One woman asks if she'll live with her boyfriend - and the fortune teller says yes, she sees them crying over how much to wash a bag of chips. One man asks about travel and is told he will road trip to Kentucky and they will pee in a cup instead of using a public bathroom. One woman is told she just colors all the time - no plays, no concerts, no parties.  One is told that the other three will turn on him because he commits a huge sin - he eats inside a restaurant. This skit cracks me up so much. Every part of it is hysterical.

And here's why it lingers. IT IS MY LIFE. It's funny because it's true. 

2019: Amusement parks, Live Music, Travel, Restaurants, Parties, PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE, Good Times

2020: Coloring for Adults, Washing Groceries, Take out only, A road trip to Kentucky (ok, it was Texas but same-same.) And a whole load of kleenex.

And for months I've just thought that - it's funny because it's true. But lately it's hit me a lot harder because it's more than that. It's still funny, but it's not FUN because while these things are true for me - they are not true for what feels like 99% of the people living in my area. And what that's led to is feeling like I'm alone laughing in a crowded room of people that don't get the jokes. It's made me feel like I have to apologize to people for turning down a party invitation. Or for asking someone to wear a mask. Or for not being willing to eat inside a restaurant. It's made me bad-mouth myself, calling myself names like psycho and worry-wart and overprotective and crazy and turd... for FOLLOWING SCIENCE. And I hate that. I. Hate. That. It's the opposite of funny. 

I love Tennessee. It's green, houses are inexpensive, great schools in our town, there are so many places to explore, etc...  But also, I have cried long hard tears in the middle of the night on multiple occassions because, during 2020, I hate Tennessee. During anti-Science, hoax/conspiracy-believing racist nasty 2020 - I hate living in a state where I am screaming alone and no one hears me because they are too busy living like it's 2019.  I hate hearing/seeing people talk about how "rough" they've had it because they didn't eat in a restaurant for 6 weeks and how they had their kids home an extra 2 months last spring and that was terrible. I hate being told that "real men don't wear masks" about 8 year old boys. I hate the snarky mean facebook comments. And most of all, I hate that my sweet child is watching from the window. He sees everyone doing everything, and he is told no. It guts me when he tells people "in another YEAR I'll be able to play basketball." Not because kids aren't playing here because THEY ARE, but because his mom thinks 15 sweaty kids deep breathing in each others faces unmasked inside a building is not safe enough to say yes to during Covid. 

I have tried to not judge. To know that every situation is unique. And I don't really know everything going on with people. Many people, especially parents, are making hard choices. And I get that. But I also know that I feel incredibly judged all of the time. Not just in my mind, but through actions and statements from strangers, aquaintances and friends. So in the middle of the night, sobbing on the floor, as 2021 becomes act 2 of 2020... I need a new funny skit to linger on that doesn't cut so close to my bleeding heart.

Chit Chat on Christmas Eve

My five year old likes to have what he calls "chit chat" every night with me after stories, as the last thing we do before he goes to sleep. I snuggle up with him and he tells me about his day. Or asks me serious questions. Or asks me silly questions.

This is, literally, the best 15 minutes of my day. I learn so many things about him.

Tonight he asked me to tell him about the dogs I had growing up. So I did. I told him about all the dogs, but especially about the dog I had named Tootsie Roll. He laughed a lot at her name and asked me what she looked like. So I described her a little - a small very soft dog with big ears, a mix between red and brown. (FYI, mini dachshund) So then while we were discussing dog fur colors he said this amazing thing to me...

"Mom, we are peach colored. I think that God is probably half peach, like us, and the other half of God is brown, like other people."

I tell you, my heart stopped. This boy, I love him in his innocent wisdom. I just answered that yes, I thought he was exactly right about God being both peach colored and brown colored at the same time.

Travel Stories from Budapest

In the past I've kept a travel journal, but I'm too tired these days to do that - so I'm just going to blog a few cool things that have happened here in Budapest on this trip so far. For my own record so I can look back. For your enjoyment to read about. Just because I can type faster than I could ever write it all out by hand and I can type in the dark on a laptop while Jason and Brandon sleep. Because that's my free time.

Traveling 24 hours with an 18 month old:
We left home at 5:30am, got to the airport at 6am two hours early, flew to Seattle (3 hrs plus 3 hr layover) then to Amsterdam (10 hrs plus 2 hr layover) then to Budapest around noon - getting to the hotel around 130pm. With an 8 hour time difference that is a 24 hour trip. Mostly it was good. Because we were smart enough to trudge along a car seat to Europe. When Bran fell asleep right away on the 10 hr flight I was a moron and watched Frozen instead of sleeping immediately too... and then regretted it when he woke up after only 2 hours and stayed awake the next 6 hours of the flight... but they had lots of good movie choices so it wasn't too bad. It just meant I had to execute my mom super-power of being able to function on hardly any sleep. It also meant that on the change in Amsterdam Brandon was walking through the terminal and just spontaneously stopped to lay down on the floor of the airport. Gross, right? He did it 4 times. I gag a little thinking about it but what are you supposed to do? We got him up and kept going.

Meals:
Our first day we stopped by a little place to have a quick dinner near the hotel. They had gyros. When we bit into them... they were tacos. Shredded beef tacos. Delicious. But really... as Jason said... we flew 8000 miles to have tacos in Budapest?
Our second day we had Goulash for lunch - amazing. Brandon slept through the whole lunch in his stroller. It was his nap time *kind of* so no huge shock. But then at dinner that night he did it again - he got in the highchair looking awake and by the time the food came he was out cold, sleeping with his head on his arms on the table. Cute. Jetlagged and cute.
So lunch day 3... Brandon finally was awake for a restaurant meal (as opposed to the breakfast of cereal and bananas in our room)... and he went for it. Making friends with the entire wait staff, being a total ham. And he tried duck (loved it) for the first time. I did not mention anything about it being the Quack Quack type of duck. He also had a strawberry ice cream cone afterwards which was about 50% on his face, 50% in his mouth. Also loved it, especially being able to hold the cone himself.

Park:
We were on the Buda side up on the hill looking out at the view of Pest across the river and suddenly Brandon just started saying "weeee" over and over and pointing. And there, behind a wall with just a peek of it visible in spots - was a playground. Because "weeee" is the sound you make on a swing so that must be also what a swing is called now. So we went to the park and had a great time playing. Brandon loved all of the tiny rocks - so much that we found a couple in his diaper hours later.

Rock Star:
We were in this huge market - three levels of food, crafts, books, toys, meats, cheeses, cookies, fruits, paprika in every shape and flavor and size, dead sheep heads, you name it. Anyway walking through this market the women were just swooning over him. It was insane. They were coming out and talking to him, waving at him, playing peek-a-boo, coming out of their booths to see him, giving him stuff, etc... And he was working it - laughing, smiling, waving, and downright flirting with them. I have never seen anything like it. Rock star I tell you. He might be too young to remember this but I will never forget it.

Ponderings on a Monday Night

So it was an exciting weekend here at our house. Brandon turned 18 months, Jason turned 504 months (aka 42 years) and it rained a ton which was needed badly because we are in a drought, unlike the rest of the country that has been covered in wet snow for three month. Brandon also had four (yea) teeth break through this weekend - all four canines. Or eye teeth. Or meat-rippers. Whatever you want to call them. He was remarkably cool about it. A little touchy about food this last week but all things considered really not bad at all.

So exciting and relaxing weekend - teeth, birthdays, rain. It all got me thinking about how huge the changes are in Brandon since his first birthday just 6 months ago and I realized that it was a good time for me to take stock of his current vocabulary and jot it down in his baby book.  I also want to be able to answer the question at his 18 month well-baby visit and not seem like an idiot parent who has no idea what her kid can say and do... So I wrote down the list of words he can say (in his way) and was shocked when the list went over 70 and is still growing (as I think of more.) It's amazing. I am amazed at him. 

And while I was making this list I was watching the Bachelor "Women Tell All" episode. I know. It's brainless and fake but whatever - they travel to cool places and you get to watch people fight over someone they don't even want. During the filming these chicks were fighting and crying over this guy and now 2 months later they are talking about how they never liked him or wanted him. Wha??? Editors can't FORCE you to cry and sob over a guy. So this also got me thinking... where do I want my blog to go. Should it be brainless entertainment like this show? Funny, lighthearted, things like pedicures and truck balls and how when you cut a strawberry it turns somehow from a very small piece of fruit to a huge bunch of bites like magic? Or should I go the other way. Real conversation. Express my opinion on real things? Is the blog more "simply suzy" or more "suzy's view?"    

What part of Brandon's word list should I be like?  Fun words like monkey (mon-mo) and shoes (shooooos) and santa (tan-ta) or heart-warming words like Mary (ma-ee) and please (peas, along with the sign-language, just about melts you) or serious words like no (noooo with raised eyebrows) or all done (spoken correctly with the sign and a desperate look to please let him move on to the next thing especially if what he's currently doing is sitting on his potty.) Or maybe I can be like his whole list. A mix of everything. And growing more all the time.

Pedicure - How young is too young?

Brandon is 17 months old and I have had 2 pedicures since he was born. Two. Because I don't have excessive free time now and my weekends are usually spent doing something with family - traveling, visiting, going to the park, grocery shopping, cooking, wiping booger-noses, watching The Lorax, etc.... They are not spent having a stranger rub sea salt into my legs and painting my toes even though it feels amazing.

So imagine today I went for my second pedicure in 17 months and it was not the adult-experience I envisioned because... someone brought their baby with them. I'm guessing 10 months old - cute little girl who behaved really well - going back and forth between her parents (who both were there getting pedicures) laps. Her mom even painted her toes to match her own. The girl was sweet. But did she really belong in a nail salon? I realize I'm opening a can of worms with this since I would take Brandon *almost* anywhere with me... but I wouldn't take him to the nail salon. First, I couldn't relax with him there. But most importantly I think the smell of the polish and whatever other magic potions they use are super strong and just don't seem like something that would be good for him. 

Hmmm.... what do you think? How young is too young for a pedicure at a salon?

Skymall - the Newest Toddler Book

So we were flying home last week from Florida and I had Bran on my lap and of course he wasn't sleeping, but rather wanting to read all of the books we had. And by books we had... I mean all of the pamphlets and such that are in the seat back pocket on the plane. Because unlike awesome mommies who plan ahead, I didn't have any books (and by that I mean actual kids books) with me. I had monkey, so I'm not sooo bad, but no books.  Anyway...

Bran wanted to read all of the books. After the 8th time reading the safety pamphlet and me showing him all the people swimming in the "pool" and riding in the boat and going down the slide, he insisted on better literature. So I pulled out the Skymall magazine. I used to look through the Skymall magazine all the time to look at funky stuff and laugh, but since I had Brandon my time on flights is otherwise occupied. So I had forgotten how awesome Skymall magazine is. Here are a few of my favorite things from it...

Do you need something to hold toilet paper *and* your ipad while you pee? As a bonus, it sprays your butt clean too! For only $99.99 (really) the Biffy Butler Bidet Sprayer does it all!  Don't worry, it is in beautiful chrome so it fits right into your bathroom.

Do you want to be shot across the lawn like a human-bullet in a person-sized rubber band? You can be with the Human Slingshot! The top reviewer says it is a bit dangerous for a 40-ish woman and some drunks... so... maybe this should be a pre-party event?

Are you losing the man of your dreams because he's a butt guy and you have no junk in your trunk? You should try the Magic-Benefit Panty!! It's undies that both lift your cheeks and make them larger by adding padding to your butt because what woman doesn't want to add more bulk to themselves unnecessarily?

And finally... are you jealous of how your one-year old can drop his cup and the milk stays in? Well here's something just for you - Sippy Wine Glass. Because, according to Skymall, "juggling a glass of wine can be challenging."  No doubt Skymall.... when I hear the word challenging - drinking wine is exactly what comes to mind!!

And these are just the tip of the crazy iceberg.  If you want some great entertainment while you fly (or sit on your couch) skymall is the book (or website) for you.

Vinegar and The Mother

When I was 4 years old I noticed that my grandpa drank a shot of vinegar every day and I decided I wanted to do that too and that is how my love of vinegar began. I would pour it on salad (no oil needed) and drink it out of the bottom. I would put it on spaghetti or chicken. I swear it is the reason that my mom's cole slaw is the best around - because it is heavy on the vinegar. I can still drink it straight with a smile. I love vinegar. Kind of... What I mean is... I did enjoy vinegar until today when Jason ruined it for me. He innocently mentioned at dinner "Do you know how vinegar is made? It's made from alcohol! Malt vinegar is made from beer! I'm going to pull some beer aside in my next batch and make some vinegar!" I thought, great!! Use a bottle of merlot from our stash and make some red wine vinegar too!! Excellent! Home made vinegar!!! So while I watched The Biggest Loser, Jason watched video's on You Tube on how to make vinegar at home. And then... he shared some interesting things with me. Vinegar is made from bacteria. One guy said he just spit into his beer and set it aside for a few months. Gross. According to the all-knowing internet, the most legitimate way to make malt vinegar is to put some beer and a banana peel in a jar and let it sit and attract flies. The bugs and flies come and get into the beer and act as the source of bacteria. After a few weeks to a few months you then separate out the bug parts, the nasty banana peel and this goopy thing that looks like a big wad of snot that is called "the mother." And you have vinegar. AND you can take "the mother" and put it in another jar of beer and the mother will continue to make vinegar because it is never-ending with it's power to turn beer into malt vinegar. And then, when I was just on the brink of not being able to ever drink vinegar again, he tipped the scales by showing me an entire page of images of different "mothers." It's enough to make a strong stomach weak. Google it if you dare. And now I'm sitting here crying a little thinking about how difficult it is going to be to drink vinegar again. And how sad it is that the crazy-gross booger-wad is called "the mother." But maybe that's what being a mother is - a totally crazy thing that changes life in a magical way that you never even dreamed possible.

Crazy Trucks

A few blocks from our house, on the road that leads out of our neighborhood, is a house that has a truck parked in front (a regular sized pickup truck nothing fancy) that is so high up, so lifted off of the tires... it is ridiculous. It's so insanely high that other people coming to our house have commented on it to me without prompting. My question is - what is that about? We don't live in the mountains or desert. We live in suburbia with paved roads. Target, Walmart and Costco are all only 2 miles away for crying out loud! So why does this guy need that 10 feet of air between tire and truck? What is that about? Does it make him feel manly? What kind of girl is going to want to date this guy when she can't even get into his truck without a full sized ladder to help her in! It's nuts!! And speaking of nuts... and trucks... what is with truck balls? Seriously, what is with them? You know - the faux male genitalia that are attached to the back of a truck and hanging down. Here's a picture if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Hve you seen these? They are ridiculous!! Again, what kind of guy would put these on his truck? Who is he trying to attract? What is he trying to say? I don't know anyone that would think "Oh yea, I wasn't sure if I should go out with you or not but then I saw you had a big plastic NUTSACK hanging from your truck and that won me over."  Seriously??? You know who is saying that?  No one. Ever.

The New Disney Princess - Strong and Independant

I love Disneyland. I love seeing kids excited, I love feeling like a kid, I love the magic, I love the music and parades, I love it all. Except the lines, but who thinks of Disneyland and says 'Gee, I can hardly wait until we get there so we can wait in a line.' But I digress... I love Disneyland. And Disney movies. I have a lot of friends who are... how to put this in a way that is honest and yet shows I actually value this characteristic... Crunchy. My friends are mostly crunchy. They are environmentalists, composters, backpackers, organic-food-eaters and feminists. Something about this crunchiness also lends itself to hating Disney. Not everyone of course, but there is a good chunk of overlap between Crunchy and Disney-hater. And I kind of understand where they are coming from when you look at the old Disney Princess model. Snow White - hid in the woods where she cooked and cleaned for 7 strange men and was saved from being a vegetable by the magic kiss of a man she didn't know at all. Ariel the little mermaid - left her family and her entire life behind and changed her whole identity for a guy she barely knew. Cinderella - treated like scum by her step-mother. She was too afraid to do anything about it until a guy she'd snuck off once to see came and took her away from it all. These are weak sounding women. And by women I mean Princesses. These chicks *should* have power because they are Princesses but they don't! They give it away! I don't have a daughter, but I certainly don't want my son to think this is what women should be. I get it. I still like these movies, but I get it. However, it has come to my attention after a fantastic Friday night at the drive-in watching the newest Disney movie Frozen, that my Crunchy friends are wrong about Disney and their Princesses. Disney has a new style of Princess lately and she is awesome. Get ready Disney-lovers, because here come some movie spoilers. Frozen is about two sisters - a Queen and a Princess - who discover that true love can save them. But it's not the true love of a handsome strange guy they barely know - NO! It's the true love between sisters! And they save themselves while said handsome strange guy turns out to be a total punk and dorky woodsy nature guy turns out to be dateable (but they don't need him to save them.) Or take the Disney movie Brave - a princess has suitor-princes come to battle for her hand in marriage. But NO! She decides she doesn't want that so she joins the battle herself to fight for her own right to be alone and she wins because she's a stud with weapons! And in the meantime she develops a better relationship with her mom! Or the Princess and the Frog - a maid's daughter who dreams of owning her own restaurant. Spoiled rich prince becomes frog, turns her into a frog, they travel around and she saves his butt, he becomes a better human being because of her influence and poof - HE changes his life for HER! He changes so that she can have her dream. They live happily working like crazy in a restaurant! These Princesses are awesome amazing women! They are not the old-school Disney princess damsel-in-distress characters that used to be. This is the new Disney. So friends... stay crunchy. I love those qualities. But also stay open to changing your mind about Disney - it might just be magical after all!

I Believe

Everyone else is sound asleep. Even my cat is knocked out right next to me and cats are supposed to be nocturnal. Because it is 4am when everyone sane should be asleep. It is Christmas, true, but still I am 38 years old so why am I awake? I'm just sitting here in bed literally kept awake thinking about how exciting it will be in an hour or two when Brandon wakes up and we go into the living room and see what Santa brought. One of his favorite things to say right now is "whoa" and he says it with gusto like the most exciting thing in the world just happened whenever something remotely cool happens. Like spinning in circles and falling down. That is Whoa-worthy. So, needless to say, I am looking forward to the Whoas today. The thought of them is keeping me up. Ironically, this is the first time ever that I've been kept awake due to my own excitement over Santa's visit. I was never kept awake with my excitement for Santa when I was a little kid. Oh, I was awake at 4am every Christmas... I was kept awake by my brother and his excitement. Every year he would be so excited that after being awake alone for as long as he could stand it, he would creep into my room, wake me up, and sit there and talk to me about what kind of Whoas the day might bring. And it was earlier than 4am. My parents had a 6am rule - we had to stay in our bedrooms until 6am and only then could we come and wake them up and then go into the living room as a family. Never once did we break that rule. So for hours every early Christmas morning I would sit there, 90 percent asleep, listening to my brother and his excitement. Excitement before we even went into the living room. Excitement over what could be. And it got me excited. And that is why I believe in Santa. As an adult, sitting here at 4am excited on Christmas day. Because this is the essence of Santa. Excitement. Hope. Family. Sharing. Love. And I believe in all of those things. I believe in the magic of Christmas. It's a Whoa for me.