Crazy Like A Wenus

There we were, three Kuchtas at the Padre game innocently booing the Dodgers when we saw the most unbelievable thing ever.

Was it a perfect game? An in-the-park home run? Manny Ramirez actually playing great defense? NO!!!


It was a tattoo.


A tattoo of a kitty.


A tattoo of a hello kitty.


A tattoo of a hello kitty right above a girl's wenus!!! (google it if you don't know)

So I laughed and leaned in closer. I mean what kind of person gets a tattoo of hello kitty, right? And that's when I saw it.

The kitty had a mustache!!! A big handlebar mustache!!!

Can you imagine going into a tattoo parlor and saying "excuse me, but you sir with the spikes out of your head and skulls and snakes on your neck... Can you draw a hello kitty for me? On my arm right here by my wenus? Oh, and add a handlebar mustache please."

Are you serious??? That chick has some guts! So here it is, a snuck picture of her mustachioed kitty wenus.

Reality From The Road

I just spent 5 days driving from San Diego to St Louis and here are a few things I've learned from the experience:

1. Winds can be so bad that a semi truck can literally be bent in two by it in Arizona.

2. Storm chasers are real!!! I saw one - a very interesting vehicle looking like a home-made tank headed north in Kansas!

3. Men wear overalls in other parts of the country. I saw a lot of them. On men that were not wearing them for style or fashion points.

4. It is acceptable in Oklahoma to drive with a cigarette hanging from your mouth and a roll of toilet paper in your hand.

5. Dirt and Trucks go hand in hand. I saw so many red-dirk covered trucks out of Texas and Oklahoma it was insane. Not just a little dust, mind you, but full on mud and dirt covered in chunks all over the truck.

6. Miss America 1981 was born in Elk City, Oklahoma. It's true.

7. Kansas is "The Wheat State" and 1 Kansas farmer feeds 129 people.

8. Those California Cheese ads with the cows out grazing in the fields that are just soooo happy they're in California now - they are a big fat lie. The dairy farms in California (ahem, Land-o-Lakes in Hemet I'm talking to you) are big squares of dirt with a million cows per square inch. It's revolting. On the other hand... Angus beef in Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas - huge spans of grassy fields dotted with cows here and there. Now THOSE are happy cows.

9. Phoenix has radar guns with cameras attached all over their freeways. So... either don't speed or wear a hat and glasses and pull the shade down.

10. Texas has some seriously fancy rest areas. You could practically live at one.

11. Toilet seat covers in public bathrooms - not something you find in every state! Gross, I know. So it is important to master the hover technique.

12. The most obnoxious baseball fan at a game will always sit right behind you screaming in a way that you think may damage you permanently. True in San Diego. True in Phoenix. True in Kansas City. I would like to find out if it is true in every single baseball stadium.

13. "Cracker Barrel" is code for "lots of butter."

14. Joe Mauer is huge. Ginormous. Billy Butler is not a small guy - and Joe next to him made him look like a little kid.

15. We are being ripped off in California for gas. $3.10 here is $2.62 in other parts of the country.

16. Speaking of country... if you like country music (and you know I do)... you are in luck driving cross-country! Most of the time there was a great country radio station available (or 5 or 6) even in the middle of nowhere! If you like other music... well... you may not be so lucky.

17. Garth Brooks is popular even though he has been retired... what... 10 years? He has a road named after him in Oklahoma. And a freeway exit. And he sings from the Jumbo Screen at the KC Royals games - "Friends In Low Places" a song that was played as the last song at my Jr. Prom. So... a long time ago.

18. Rudy's BBQ - get the brisket. Eat there whenever you see one. OH, and Braum's ice cream - get the black walnut. Eat there whenever you see one. Enough said.

19. New Mexico has a lot of trains. I saw 7 in one day. None made it into a photograph. Ha ha hahahah.... I'm so funny.

20. The Missouri River is wide... and kind of dirty looking.

The Prize

Last week my brother calls me up and tells me something amazing. Not only do I have the money ($80?) and personal glory for being named the 2009 Fantasy Baseball Champion in our amazing fantasy league... but only 4 short months after the season ended, the ever-shocking CBS Sportsline has also mailed out a trophy. Woohoo! Who doesn't want a trophy?

At this point, my brother snickered and said "I accidentally broke a piece off, but it kind of makes it funnier." I begged and pleaded that he tell me what he meant... what could be broken off... a bat? a head? an arm? a number 1? what? He told me nothing.

Today, I received my prize. As you can see, it is a stunning likeness of me. Apparently, this is what Fantasy Baseball Champions look like complete with the 'stache to rival Tom Selleck, the flavor-saver-soul-patch of Jason Werth, throw-back Ray Bans from the 80's, a big pointy nose, and the fratboy wear-my-hat-backwards-cause-I'm-so-cool as a topper. I dare say it almost looks like Mike Piazza! Oh... and... the... what-the-heck-is-that on my trophy's hands???

I looked closer.... and then... W... T... F... !?!?!?!?

And then I remembered... wait... something broke off. And sure enough, there is a little champagne bottle that attaches under the hands and that "stuff" on the hands is the bubbly that is supposedly coming out of the top of the uncorked bottle.

Uh huh.

This little bottle was so small at the neck where it was attached it was begging to break off. You can barely see where it connected. It wanted to snap away from the trophy-man and leave behind just the cream-colored foamy bubbles resting on the hands of this stud. CBS Sportsline - some funny guys workin' there! **sigh**

Tell me... should I leave it as is, or reattach the little champagne bottle and am I a lunatic if I put it on my desk at work? Will I get fired? Or will it just make someone laugh...