Vinegar and The Mother

When I was 4 years old I noticed that my grandpa drank a shot of vinegar every day and I decided I wanted to do that too and that is how my love of vinegar began. I would pour it on salad (no oil needed) and drink it out of the bottom. I would put it on spaghetti or chicken. I swear it is the reason that my mom's cole slaw is the best around - because it is heavy on the vinegar. I can still drink it straight with a smile. I love vinegar. Kind of... What I mean is... I did enjoy vinegar until today when Jason ruined it for me. He innocently mentioned at dinner "Do you know how vinegar is made? It's made from alcohol! Malt vinegar is made from beer! I'm going to pull some beer aside in my next batch and make some vinegar!" I thought, great!! Use a bottle of merlot from our stash and make some red wine vinegar too!! Excellent! Home made vinegar!!! So while I watched The Biggest Loser, Jason watched video's on You Tube on how to make vinegar at home. And then... he shared some interesting things with me. Vinegar is made from bacteria. One guy said he just spit into his beer and set it aside for a few months. Gross. According to the all-knowing internet, the most legitimate way to make malt vinegar is to put some beer and a banana peel in a jar and let it sit and attract flies. The bugs and flies come and get into the beer and act as the source of bacteria. After a few weeks to a few months you then separate out the bug parts, the nasty banana peel and this goopy thing that looks like a big wad of snot that is called "the mother." And you have vinegar. AND you can take "the mother" and put it in another jar of beer and the mother will continue to make vinegar because it is never-ending with it's power to turn beer into malt vinegar. And then, when I was just on the brink of not being able to ever drink vinegar again, he tipped the scales by showing me an entire page of images of different "mothers." It's enough to make a strong stomach weak. Google it if you dare. And now I'm sitting here crying a little thinking about how difficult it is going to be to drink vinegar again. And how sad it is that the crazy-gross booger-wad is called "the mother." But maybe that's what being a mother is - a totally crazy thing that changes life in a magical way that you never even dreamed possible.

Helloooooo February!

Oh January, what did I do to make you so mad?

First you welcome me with a four week ugly viral rash from neck to tail. I know I get cold a lot, but I don't need to feel burning hot that way, especially with the itching and exhaustion attached. I do appreciate how it gave me such gratitude for a hot shower though... since I couldn't take one all month.

Did you feel bad about making me so heated, so you decided to freeze me with the trip to the 'lady doctor'? Thanks for getting me to the doctor twice so soon in the year, by the way, so that I could discover exactly how much my insurance went downhill this year.

Were you wanting to peek in on my misery? Is that why you had the roof leak? The big chunk of ceiling peeling away in the living room has really added character. Super great bonus!

I thought you had finally gotten over whatever 'beef' you had with me... but then you used beef to knock me out with food poisoning. You thought you were clever, but luckily my arsenal was stocked with toothpaste and toilet paper not to mention that I had the delivery boy on standby bringing me Gatorade.

And the clogged kitchen sink: Drano and leftovers never-going-down-an-inch-stinky-pool in my kitchen - thanks extra for dinging me with that on a weekend. Good thing the plumber was so prompt coming right at 945pm on Monday night, only 14 hours after I called.

I guess you felt that I needed just one more slam on the last day of your visit, so you punched me in the eye. You sure are a sneaky one because I don't even know how you did it! But let me tell you, the bruised eyeball is just a delight and so ladylike. One more time luck was on my side as I was prepared having had my third doctor's appointment of the month - the eye doctor - so I had new glasses to slip on when my contact lens rejected the idea of being so close to my gross eyeball.

So I ask you: Why? Was I just a little too happy and healthy? Whatever I did to you - I'm sorry!!! But not sorry enough to want you to stick around anymore. I'm ready for February who promises me rainbows and kittens and dark chocolate with sprinkles.

Suzy

Why I Am Not A Celebrity

Do you know that baby shower game where you have to taste-test baby food and guess what type of food (and I use that term loosely) it is?

It is the worst baby shower game ever, right? Disgusting, I think, is the word that comes to mind. Truly gag-worthy. I cry a little when I see those label-removed mini jars come out.

So...

Can you imagine if someone told you that you had to eat 14 (FOURTEEN!!!) servings of baby food a day as a way to diet and lose a few pounds? For a part in a movie because you wanted to look just a wee bit extra toned. And you agreed to it. And then made it public knowledge. You're a lunatic, right?

Or... you're Jennifer Aniston. You know, the one that Brad Pitt divorced?

If this is what it takes to be a celebrity, count me out. Not that I have any desire what-so-ever to be a celebrity. But if I did, this would be a big red X on the negative side of the balance sheet next to the no privacy and having to wear makeup out on Saturday mornings. I mean really, is this what it takes? BABY FOOD???

It is just mind-boggling.