Skymall - the Newest Toddler Book

So we were flying home last week from Florida and I had Bran on my lap and of course he wasn't sleeping, but rather wanting to read all of the books we had. And by books we had... I mean all of the pamphlets and such that are in the seat back pocket on the plane. Because unlike awesome mommies who plan ahead, I didn't have any books (and by that I mean actual kids books) with me. I had monkey, so I'm not sooo bad, but no books.  Anyway...

Bran wanted to read all of the books. After the 8th time reading the safety pamphlet and me showing him all the people swimming in the "pool" and riding in the boat and going down the slide, he insisted on better literature. So I pulled out the Skymall magazine. I used to look through the Skymall magazine all the time to look at funky stuff and laugh, but since I had Brandon my time on flights is otherwise occupied. So I had forgotten how awesome Skymall magazine is. Here are a few of my favorite things from it...

Do you need something to hold toilet paper *and* your ipad while you pee? As a bonus, it sprays your butt clean too! For only $99.99 (really) the Biffy Butler Bidet Sprayer does it all!  Don't worry, it is in beautiful chrome so it fits right into your bathroom.

Do you want to be shot across the lawn like a human-bullet in a person-sized rubber band? You can be with the Human Slingshot! The top reviewer says it is a bit dangerous for a 40-ish woman and some drunks... so... maybe this should be a pre-party event?

Are you losing the man of your dreams because he's a butt guy and you have no junk in your trunk? You should try the Magic-Benefit Panty!! It's undies that both lift your cheeks and make them larger by adding padding to your butt because what woman doesn't want to add more bulk to themselves unnecessarily?

And finally... are you jealous of how your one-year old can drop his cup and the milk stays in? Well here's something just for you - Sippy Wine Glass. Because, according to Skymall, "juggling a glass of wine can be challenging."  No doubt Skymall.... when I hear the word challenging - drinking wine is exactly what comes to mind!!

And these are just the tip of the crazy iceberg.  If you want some great entertainment while you fly (or sit on your couch) skymall is the book (or website) for you.

Crazy Trucks

A few blocks from our house, on the road that leads out of our neighborhood, is a house that has a truck parked in front (a regular sized pickup truck nothing fancy) that is so high up, so lifted off of the tires... it is ridiculous. It's so insanely high that other people coming to our house have commented on it to me without prompting. My question is - what is that about? We don't live in the mountains or desert. We live in suburbia with paved roads. Target, Walmart and Costco are all only 2 miles away for crying out loud! So why does this guy need that 10 feet of air between tire and truck? What is that about? Does it make him feel manly? What kind of girl is going to want to date this guy when she can't even get into his truck without a full sized ladder to help her in! It's nuts!! And speaking of nuts... and trucks... what is with truck balls? Seriously, what is with them? You know - the faux male genitalia that are attached to the back of a truck and hanging down. Here's a picture if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Hve you seen these? They are ridiculous!! Again, what kind of guy would put these on his truck? Who is he trying to attract? What is he trying to say? I don't know anyone that would think "Oh yea, I wasn't sure if I should go out with you or not but then I saw you had a big plastic NUTSACK hanging from your truck and that won me over."  Seriously??? You know who is saying that?  No one. Ever.

Crazy Like A Wenus

There we were, three Kuchtas at the Padre game innocently booing the Dodgers when we saw the most unbelievable thing ever.

Was it a perfect game? An in-the-park home run? Manny Ramirez actually playing great defense? NO!!!


It was a tattoo.


A tattoo of a kitty.


A tattoo of a hello kitty.


A tattoo of a hello kitty right above a girl's wenus!!! (google it if you don't know)

So I laughed and leaned in closer. I mean what kind of person gets a tattoo of hello kitty, right? And that's when I saw it.

The kitty had a mustache!!! A big handlebar mustache!!!

Can you imagine going into a tattoo parlor and saying "excuse me, but you sir with the spikes out of your head and skulls and snakes on your neck... Can you draw a hello kitty for me? On my arm right here by my wenus? Oh, and add a handlebar mustache please."

Are you serious??? That chick has some guts! So here it is, a snuck picture of her mustachioed kitty wenus.

A Trashy Story

I was making Sangria and cutting up all that fruit made me want to take the trash out so the fruit-guts wouldn't seep all over. Reasonable, right? And since I am a smarty, I decided to multi-task and take all of the trash down at the same time and then take a quick drive to the redbox and return The Wrestler and She's Out Of Your League. Odd combo, but both worth the $1.25 rental cost. By the way, not the redbox on the corner, the one 0.6 miles away that had Big Fan available per my iPhone app - thus the drive.

So here I am in my yoga pants and t-shirt with the wine stain (aka the cooking shirt) and I gathered up my three trash bags - fruit guts, bathroom, and used kitty litter. I grabbed my purse and movies and locked the door and started down the stairs. That is when it happened.

The plastic handle on the bag of kitty litter broke and the bag dropped on the third step from the top and literally exploded all the way down the steps. Every step all the way down had litter clumps of cat pee and the kitty-roca-turds scattered. It was a masterpiece of epic proportions, getting as much distance and separation as possible.

I did what any sane person would do, I put my purse and other two bags down in front of my door and went inside to get a broom, dust pan, and new bag and then painstakingly picked up every piece of wayward litter. I finished at the bottom step and not wanting to risk another bag-plosion, I left the broom and dustpan at the bottom of the steps and took the new litter-trash out the back gate to the dumpster.

That is when I realize that my gate key was in my purse (dang the yoga pants lack of pocket) and my purse was sitting in front of my front door alongside my fruit-gut trash bag and bathroom trash bag.

My broom and dustpan sat at the bottom of the stairs, mocking me from within the gates. I yelled. I shook the gate. I cried. And then I said a silent prayer that I had been wise enough to take the extra minute to put a bra on which doesn't always happen when it's just taking out the trash.

After a long 10 minutes, I saw a glimmer of hope. There riding up on his bike to the front gate was my neighbor! My heart sank though when he yelled to me "I forgot my gate key, can you help?" Seriously? So there we were, two idiots at opposite gates yelling to each other and waiting until another neighbor finally came and rescued us.

My purse, keys, bathroom trash, and fruit guts were all patiently waiting for me at the top of the stairs.

Alumination

You know the advertisement section of facebook - over on the right side of the home page where the powers that be try to guess who you may or may not be friends with just because you have a friend or two in common? Well, I've noticed the same name popping up over and over again. YHS Alumini.

The more high school people I become facebook friends with, the more pushy facebook gets that I should, in fact, also be friends with YHS Alumini. We have 12 friends in common. I'm not sure who it is that started this page, but there are 2,317 people who are currently facebook friends with YHS Alumini.

It would, in theory, be a nice way to touch base and maybe re-find some old friends. However... I'm not quite sure what an Alumini is. It sounds like something you wrap your fish in before you put it on the grill. Or maybe a secret society like the Illuminati. Or what a light bulb does to a dark room. It doesn't sound like high school graduates.

Do you think I should email this girl and let her know that the word is really alumni? Is it possible that she isn't aware? Or would I just be embarrassing her?

I mean... I get it... misspelling a word here or there... it's natural... but *come on* it is the *name* of the page! You are representing Yucaipa, home of chickens, skunks and flies. And, apparently, Alumini.

Why I Am Not A Celebrity

Do you know that baby shower game where you have to taste-test baby food and guess what type of food (and I use that term loosely) it is?

It is the worst baby shower game ever, right? Disgusting, I think, is the word that comes to mind. Truly gag-worthy. I cry a little when I see those label-removed mini jars come out.

So...

Can you imagine if someone told you that you had to eat 14 (FOURTEEN!!!) servings of baby food a day as a way to diet and lose a few pounds? For a part in a movie because you wanted to look just a wee bit extra toned. And you agreed to it. And then made it public knowledge. You're a lunatic, right?

Or... you're Jennifer Aniston. You know, the one that Brad Pitt divorced?

If this is what it takes to be a celebrity, count me out. Not that I have any desire what-so-ever to be a celebrity. But if I did, this would be a big red X on the negative side of the balance sheet next to the no privacy and having to wear makeup out on Saturday mornings. I mean really, is this what it takes? BABY FOOD???

It is just mind-boggling.

Toothpaste - Own It, Use It, Love It.

I listen to the radio in the morning while I get ready for work and every 30 minutes or so, between songs, there's a little celebrity gossip and amongst the normal trivial info about breakups and hookups there was a tidbit yesterday that made me gasp and choke.

Jessica Simpson does not brush her teeth every day.

I know... WHAT???? But seriously...

She said (and this is a sound bite taken from an interview on some show... maybe The View) that she doesn't like when her teeth feel slippery. She likes them to have a little something on them so they are not so slick. And she doesn't like them being so white.

That's when my gag turned into a laugh. Who doesn't want white and clean (aka slippery) feeling teeth? I mean, not the kind of white that glows in the dark, but the kind that toothpaste advertisers all put in their ads! Because the yellow-coffee-and-cigarette-stained-with-food-chunks-on-them teeth are not really high on anyone's list of sexy, are they?

And she validated her lack of tooth brushing by saying that she did use Listerine all the time and that she would... get this... use a towel to wipe her teeth off. What kind of towel fits into your mouth back to your molars? And who, when you were in kindergarten and learning all the songs about dental hygiene and brushing your teeth... who ever had the lesson on using a towel to wipe them off? I don't remember that. Disgusting. AND, no mention of toothpaste on the towel. I love toothpaste. Colgate, original. It is just the perfect amount of mintiness and you know I am a minty girl.

Anyway... back to Jessica "Hygiene-Queen" Simpson.... I am so glad I'm not her dentist. Or her boyfriend. Or her friend. Or her second cousin. Or anyone remotely close to her. Wow.

No wonder Tony Romo kept blowing football games when they were together and she would watch from the stands. He could smell her down on the field! Talk about a distraction...

Reality From The Road

I just spent 5 days driving from San Diego to St Louis and here are a few things I've learned from the experience:

1. Winds can be so bad that a semi truck can literally be bent in two by it in Arizona.

2. Storm chasers are real!!! I saw one - a very interesting vehicle looking like a home-made tank headed north in Kansas!

3. Men wear overalls in other parts of the country. I saw a lot of them. On men that were not wearing them for style or fashion points.

4. It is acceptable in Oklahoma to drive with a cigarette hanging from your mouth and a roll of toilet paper in your hand.

5. Dirt and Trucks go hand in hand. I saw so many red-dirk covered trucks out of Texas and Oklahoma it was insane. Not just a little dust, mind you, but full on mud and dirt covered in chunks all over the truck.

6. Miss America 1981 was born in Elk City, Oklahoma. It's true.

7. Kansas is "The Wheat State" and 1 Kansas farmer feeds 129 people.

8. Those California Cheese ads with the cows out grazing in the fields that are just soooo happy they're in California now - they are a big fat lie. The dairy farms in California (ahem, Land-o-Lakes in Hemet I'm talking to you) are big squares of dirt with a million cows per square inch. It's revolting. On the other hand... Angus beef in Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas - huge spans of grassy fields dotted with cows here and there. Now THOSE are happy cows.

9. Phoenix has radar guns with cameras attached all over their freeways. So... either don't speed or wear a hat and glasses and pull the shade down.

10. Texas has some seriously fancy rest areas. You could practically live at one.

11. Toilet seat covers in public bathrooms - not something you find in every state! Gross, I know. So it is important to master the hover technique.

12. The most obnoxious baseball fan at a game will always sit right behind you screaming in a way that you think may damage you permanently. True in San Diego. True in Phoenix. True in Kansas City. I would like to find out if it is true in every single baseball stadium.

13. "Cracker Barrel" is code for "lots of butter."

14. Joe Mauer is huge. Ginormous. Billy Butler is not a small guy - and Joe next to him made him look like a little kid.

15. We are being ripped off in California for gas. $3.10 here is $2.62 in other parts of the country.

16. Speaking of country... if you like country music (and you know I do)... you are in luck driving cross-country! Most of the time there was a great country radio station available (or 5 or 6) even in the middle of nowhere! If you like other music... well... you may not be so lucky.

17. Garth Brooks is popular even though he has been retired... what... 10 years? He has a road named after him in Oklahoma. And a freeway exit. And he sings from the Jumbo Screen at the KC Royals games - "Friends In Low Places" a song that was played as the last song at my Jr. Prom. So... a long time ago.

18. Rudy's BBQ - get the brisket. Eat there whenever you see one. OH, and Braum's ice cream - get the black walnut. Eat there whenever you see one. Enough said.

19. New Mexico has a lot of trains. I saw 7 in one day. None made it into a photograph. Ha ha hahahah.... I'm so funny.

20. The Missouri River is wide... and kind of dirty looking.

Dent Art

There are a lot of fancy cars in the parking lot at work. A lot of regular cars too and one very vehicle that draws my attention like no other...

It's a minivan. White. Pretty basic. Tinted windows. Has an SDSU sticker on the back window.

And it has a big ol' dent on the left side rear behind the passenger door kind of over the back left tire.

It's a really odd place for a dent. I mean, it's not like he backed into something and smashed the car's tail light or something. It's not like he scratched the side of the door when he opened it too close to something. It's weird. It almost looks like a bowling ball was on a pendulum and swung into the side of the car to create the dent.

But more weird than the dent's location is that the dent has been... decorated... so to speak. There are four letters in gold stencil painting, like they were spray painted into the dent. Permanently, because they never go away even when it rains. D V N O see:

It's Dent Art. Seriously. DVNO. What do you think that means? It's so bizarre!!!

The driver, by the way, not so rough on the eyes, although he was probably in kindergarten when I was in high school... but I digress...

Guy with the Dent Art.... WHAT THE HECK? Stop by my office and let me know what the DVNO is all about! You take a plain white minivan to a whole new level.

Lamb Butt

So I was shopping in the grocery store the other day. VONS - a regular store, not some funky-crazy-specialty store. Minding my business, in the dairy section, looking for a little "you can't believe it's not butter" butter, when I saw something shocking.

So shocking that I picked it up to look closer.

So shocking that I started laughing hysterically in the middle of the store.

So shocking that I ripped open my purse and yanked out my camera and took a picture.

What could be so shocking you ask?

Butter...

sculptures...

that's right.... SCULPTURES...

in the shape of a lamb!!!!! A LAMB!

Seriously. What are you going to do with this? Put it on the table for Easter? A little kid would cry over this when you hack off a little buttery lamb butt to put on your roll. Or worse, when you decapitate it to butter-up your mashed potatoes. Lamb shaped butter. Who thinks of these things? They're creepy, these lambed-shaped butter sculptures.

They are a baaaa-d thing.

Gray Hair

So.... I have a few gray hairs. It's not a big deal, even though my hair is so dark that they really show up. I just try to pluck them and ultimately they get darkened with the hair-coloring so it's not a big deal.

However, on the glimmer of my 35th birthday I have now discovered one gray hair that bothers me more than all of the rest combined... because... it is in my eyebrow. The left eyebrow to be specific. At first I thought I must have a rouge blond hair it is so light shimmering in there. But no, it is gray.

My mom drilled into me all growing up that plucking your eyebrows would lead to having penciled-in eyebrows (which I don't want) and so I am leery to pluck it. And its not like I'm going to put hair dye on my eyebrow. That's insane.

Isn't it?

Or....

Is it? Should I dye my eyebrow over one little gray hair? Wouldn't I have to dye both of them? I dunno.... this feels like it is opening up a grooming can of worms that I do not want to open.

Gray eyebrow. Bite me.

Eye of the Tiger

I'm watching the men's halfpipe of the Olympics on TV.

It's the finals.

It's the 2nd/final run and there are two skiers left... Shaun White and Scott Lago.

The standings are Shaun White in 1st, some other guy in 2nd, Scott Lago in 3rd....

Scott Lago is at the top ready to go, knowing he already has the bronze but could potentially move up to silver (or gold, but let's be real)...

That's when it happened.

The commentator said "As some of us in the business like to say, he needs to reach down deep for the eye of the tiger."

uh.... what?

Was he trying to break the tension by creating humor? I mean, seriously?

reach down deep for the EYE OF THE TIGER???? What, exactly, is the eye of the tiger?

I played the song "Eye of The Tiger" in 5th grade on the piano at the elementary school recital. A long long time ago. So many years ago that Scott Lago was not even born. It was 1984/85. He was born in 1987.

There's also a gem called Tiger Eye. Sometimes I like to use tiger eye beads when I make a necklace.

Those are my only two experiences with eyes of tiger.

Maybe he meant when Tiger Woods gives a girl the eye and she can't resist and becomes mistress number 14?

Mysterious.

And hysterical!