Alone in a Crowded Room

Have you ever had that experience where you see a skit or song or commercial and it just LINGERS with you? You love it. And maybe you can't even explain why exactly? A few months ago, there was an SNL skit with Adele where 4 friends in 2019 go to a fortune teller to see what their lives will be like in 2020. That's the lingerer for me; I laugh just thinking about it.  

One woman asks if she'll live with her boyfriend - and the fortune teller says yes, she sees them crying over how much to wash a bag of chips. One man asks about travel and is told he will road trip to Kentucky and they will pee in a cup instead of using a public bathroom. One woman is told she just colors all the time - no plays, no concerts, no parties.  One is told that the other three will turn on him because he commits a huge sin - he eats inside a restaurant. This skit cracks me up so much. Every part of it is hysterical.

And here's why it lingers. IT IS MY LIFE. It's funny because it's true. 

2019: Amusement parks, Live Music, Travel, Restaurants, Parties, PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE, Good Times

2020: Coloring for Adults, Washing Groceries, Take out only, A road trip to Kentucky (ok, it was Texas but same-same.) And a whole load of kleenex.

And for months I've just thought that - it's funny because it's true. But lately it's hit me a lot harder because it's more than that. It's still funny, but it's not FUN because while these things are true for me - they are not true for what feels like 99% of the people living in my area. And what that's led to is feeling like I'm alone laughing in a crowded room of people that don't get the jokes. It's made me feel like I have to apologize to people for turning down a party invitation. Or for asking someone to wear a mask. Or for not being willing to eat inside a restaurant. It's made me bad-mouth myself, calling myself names like psycho and worry-wart and overprotective and crazy and turd... for FOLLOWING SCIENCE. And I hate that. I. Hate. That. It's the opposite of funny. 

I love Tennessee. It's green, houses are inexpensive, great schools in our town, there are so many places to explore, etc...  But also, I have cried long hard tears in the middle of the night on multiple occassions because, during 2020, I hate Tennessee. During anti-Science, hoax/conspiracy-believing racist nasty 2020 - I hate living in a state where I am screaming alone and no one hears me because they are too busy living like it's 2019.  I hate hearing/seeing people talk about how "rough" they've had it because they didn't eat in a restaurant for 6 weeks and how they had their kids home an extra 2 months last spring and that was terrible. I hate being told that "real men don't wear masks" about 8 year old boys. I hate the snarky mean facebook comments. And most of all, I hate that my sweet child is watching from the window. He sees everyone doing everything, and he is told no. It guts me when he tells people "in another YEAR I'll be able to play basketball." Not because kids aren't playing here because THEY ARE, but because his mom thinks 15 sweaty kids deep breathing in each others faces unmasked inside a building is not safe enough to say yes to during Covid. 

I have tried to not judge. To know that every situation is unique. And I don't really know everything going on with people. Many people, especially parents, are making hard choices. And I get that. But I also know that I feel incredibly judged all of the time. Not just in my mind, but through actions and statements from strangers, aquaintances and friends. So in the middle of the night, sobbing on the floor, as 2021 becomes act 2 of 2020... I need a new funny skit to linger on that doesn't cut so close to my bleeding heart.